Yes, many of us know that this is a season of both joy and pain. With the economy the way it is, there will probably be more pain than usual. So when we hear someone talk of their pain, we should obviously tell them to count their blessings and look at the good things they have, right? NOPE! That often makes things worse. What we should do is…
First acknowledge their pain. Whether or not we feel that their pain is valid or taken out of proportion, it doesn’t matter. To them it’s real pain. In fact, whatever pain you have, someone thinks it’s minor, but to you it’s major.
DISCLAIMER - THIS ARTICLE DOES NOT CLAIM TO CURE DEPRESSION OR ANY OTHER MENTAL CONDITION. NOR DOES IT CLAIM TO TAKE THE PLACE OF A COMPETENT MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL. THIS IS TO SHOW THE READER HOW TO HANDLE THE OFTEN AWKWARD CONVERSATIONS THAT BEGIN WITH HEARING SOMEONE’S PAIN/PROBLEMS.
If you do not acknowledge the pain and just start with the common, “Come on, look on the bright side, you have…..” Or worse, “Hey! Some people have it worse because…” You probably have done several bad things:
- You’ve just invalidated the person’s feelings.
- You’ve shown them that you don’t “get them” and therefore you’ve broken rapport.
- If you are close to the person, now they feel stupid or selfish for having their worries. If they are depressed, now it’s worse.
- If the person was trying to confide in you, they may never try it again and you may have limited a potentially close relationship.
Well done!?
So, acknowledge the pain and then DO NOT try and fix it or make it better. Just ask a question about it. This shows that you hear them and that you are interested.
Example:
Friend: “Wow! This year has been really tough. I don’t know how I’m gonna make it next year.”
You (BAD): “Cheer up. At least you got your health. Bob Jones lost his job and he had to check into rehab!”
You (GOOD): Yeah. That sucks. What are you thinking about doing?
This will not magically make them better, but they will feel like you are “with” them. They probably will not button up and may even vent some more.
Once they talk, listen and nod a lot (say, “uh-huh” often, if you are on the phone) until they are done. If possible, tell them about another person who has a similar problem/concern AND who is ALSO WORRIED.
Example:
Friend: “I’m not sure. I may need to change careers. My resume isn’t up to speed yet.” Etc…
You: (BAD): “You know Bill Smith decide to go back to school. That’s your answer. You should just go back to school like Bill.”
Again you’ve invalidated his feelings and his problems.
You: (GOOD): “Uh-huh. You know Bill Smith lost his job too. He’s worried just like you. He was telling me about some of his friends who feel the same way too.”
This broadens the blow so he may not take it so personally and validates his feelings.
Then ask if he needs any assistance with something. You may even offer some if you see an obvious way. This should NOT be assumed or forced. It must be an option for him to deny if he wants to. It is the thought here that matters more than the actual help. Of course, make the offer real in case he does want it!
Example:
Friend: I don’t know. Maybe I should just look into becoming a cupcake squiggle inspector.
You: (BAD): I’ll have you meet with Jane Johnson. She’s a cupcake squiggle Inspector recruiter. I’ll call her and set a meeting on Monday. Also, you should call my brother. He was one out of college. I’ll have him call you tomorrow.
He may just be venting, he may not want help, he may just be upset and grasping at straws!
You: (GOOD): OK. Well, if you want, I know some people in the industry.
Let him decide if he wants your help.
If he doesn’t want your assistance, leave it alone and move on to another subject. You are NOT doing him a favor by trying to solve his problem. Things will just become awkward.
Tell a positive story about someone else - not you or him. It could be anything, just positive and try to move on.
So remember:
Acknowledge
Ask
Nod
Broaden the Blow
Offer
Nice Story
Move on!
Good luck!
Larry
Comments